Long Time No Post

Well I cant believe I havent posted on here since the sun last shone in our neck of the woods.

I was a little concerned this morning because when I woke up I couldn't hear anything - no wind or rain lashing against the window. With some trepidation I got out of bed and peaked out of the curtains to find - the sun was shining!

This caused major panic as I rushed around the house opening windows and doors to let as much of it in as possible. Himself decided I had lost the plot completely and fully intended to have a bit of a lie in. I soon sorted that out by pulling the duvet off him and pillows from under his head and manically stripping them all to get the washing done so it could dry outside. Well, it is only July so you have to make the best of a day without rain.

I am reliably informed by himself that we are making good progress on the redecorating front. I have to say I feel this is just extreme optimism on his behalf. So far all I can see for all his huffing and puffing is one window sill undercoated, sunroom floor ( beautifully) varnished and first coat of paint on sunroom walls. When I commented on the painfully slow procedure I was told that it was all the preparation that took the time, but as I pointed out to him I do the preparation for dinner every night and he doesnt have to wait three weeks for the results.

We have been away for him to play at watching big boys toys at the Goodwood Festival of Speed last month. I am staggered he took over 400 pictures. I think he photographed every bloody car he saw, including the spectators. This is a man who usually has to psych himself up to take maybe one picture every couple of months! I stupidly pretended I was interested at first. I commented on the first few, glazed over for the next 100 or so and when I came to again he was up to about 380 and still going for it. It doesn't happen often, but I tell you I was lost for words. How can anyone on earth take all that many pictures of cars? And more scarily be able to tell you all about them afterwards. And still forget to pick up a loaf of bread......

At Last

The builders, electrician and plasterers have departed the building - unless someone has locked themselves in, buried themselves under a new floor or is still on a chimney - one of the 3 new ones we have had to have - they are all gone as of 1.30 this afternoon!
So,thats 8 weeks and almost 80% increase in cost for a 3 week job then. Hey ho, thank heavens they never said it would take this long or they may have been here til Christmas!
Throughout this ordeal I have acted in an exemplary manner - well, exemplary for me at least. I have only threatened to kill one of them on any given day and I fully dispute the accusation that the big burly scaffolders who were 6 days late arriving with my tent for the sunroom and even later collecting it were all scared of me.
I have baked cakes on an almost daily basis for my builders, which is the reason the job has taken so long according to some sources!
So, tomorrow, in celebration of their departure, I am not going to be showered and dressed ready for their 8am arrival. I am going to stay in my jimmies until 9 am, just for the hell of it.
I have spent the afternoon trying to find furniture under the layers of plaster dust and tomorrow I hope to find all my scrapping stuff in the craft room.
Himself has been rather irate because I had carefully covered everything in said craft room in dust sheets and not bothered to put one over the tv. As I explained to him, I dont watch tv.
"Well I do" he replies - so why didnt he cover it up then?
I have asked them all not to rush with their bills as I may have to sell my body to pay them and believe me, as anyone who has seen said body will tell you, its not worth much. Probably get more for scientific research than I would for prostitution.

New Business Venture

Apparently there is a town in Italy - name of Pavlova or something like that - I dont do geography - where men who are trying to pick up a prostitute in the red light district are being given fines for obstructing the road. So, in an effort to keep business brisk and not lose customers the girls are offering to pay the fines for any customers who are booked. Bear with me, this is absolutely true and leading to the point of this rambling.
Whilst telling some friends about this strange occurence we mused about the different ways this could be overcome and hit upon the idea of a 'ring and ride' service. So far we have only worked out the overall concept, most details are pretty hazy and still very much in the planning stage. It will be a while before I can present my business plan to the bank manager for the funds to purchase a fleet of motorised scooters for my team of girls to scoot up and down the road with lassoo's, but I am confident I am on to a winner with this idea.
I'll keep working on the finer details - maybe I could offer it as a franchise opportunity?

Builders

Well I think they are trying to bankrupt me or worse still give me a bill so huge I have to consider going back to work. Not actually go you understand - just consider it. Even that causes me to have hot flushes followed by the need to go and lie in a darkened room for several hours.

So I will try and find an alternative. So far I have suggested to himself that if we cut out a couple of dinners a week and the odd breakfast and lunch we could save a considerable amount of money, not to mention the health benefits which may/may not be a side effect of this move.
He's not too keen on that idea, so its back to the drawing board.

We have the most amazing scaffolding and tarpaulin tent thing where the sunlounge used to be which is on top of the only decent modernised room in the house. Since it was put up and the sunlounge totally demolished - including the floor - dont ask - we have had at least 8 nights of gales and driving rain! As we live on the coastline the winds dont mess about here, oh no, gales mean gales not a strong wind or the odd gust or two. So we are seriously sleep deprived as well as almost penniless.
As I look after the builders who are systematically wrecking my abode very well by baking cakes for them and providing lots of brews, I have told them if they continue to find major problems I shall be forced into having to sell my body to pay their bill. One of them, who may well yet end up under the new floor when it is laid, said I might make more money selling my cakes, so I have decided that when they give me their final heartstopping bill I shall present them with mine. I consider £30 per man per day for tea and cakes to be a reasonable charge and as they have already been here 3 weeks and look set to be around for at least another 3 weeks I may make enough to pay them for a few of the slates on one of the rooves that had to be completely redone. Thats one of the rooves himself had said only needed a tile or two replacing.....

Book Club

I am also a Founder Member of a bookclub. This one I can credit to myself - T.W.A.T. was named by Andrea who it seems would like to distance herself from the team now people are clamouring to become a TWAT.
Bookclub evolved after a couple of hugely enjoyable evenings with some girlfriends. The main criteria for membership is that you are female, enjoy having a laugh and dont take offence easily at anything.
In short, bookclub is where we all get together for a bite to eat at someones house and get trollied.
We neither read nor discuss books of any kind - what a total waste of good drinking,eating and laughing time that would be. But to the men in our lives 'bookclub' means they are available for lifts or babysitting or ELSE.
Someone wishes to murder their in laws/kids/husband? Arrange a bookclub meeting.
The washing machine has flooded? Arrange a bookclub meeting.
Its too hot? Arrange a bookclub meeting.
Its too cold/raining? Arrange.... you get the picture.
Obviously, due to the enormous scope for meeting the criteria to arrange a gathering the local wine sellers do very well.
So you see, its always a win win situation.

Top Womens Alternative Team

Yes - it's official - I am a member!! Sometimes I feel I have been a T.W.A.T. all my life, then I remember I have only been sticking bits of paper for a couple of years so I cant have been. My friend Andrea had the idea of forming this exclusive team and 3 Founder members held the first meeting yesterday in my craftroom. We then continued our deliberations on the beach whilst enjoying the amazing sunshine. It was also a way to escape the builders who are systematically demolishing bits of my home and most of my bank account.

Anyway, I digress, as T.W.A.T.'s we are a bit out on a limb - well, I suppose I should say exclusive really, as that always sounds more important and will make more people want to join our team, but I think we have more or less decided there will only be a maximum of 10 T.W.A.T.s at a time.
So there we are then, I will keep myself informed on here if we as a team achieve anything of note.

Two for One

Well, everyone offers that now dont they? BOGOFS I mean. So when I got the delightful job of taking the granddog to the vets to get his nuts chopped off I asked her if she could do himselfs at the same time only for free. She declined the invitation, must have been pressure of work. Instead, as she was explaining to me that castrationwould not stop Ted running off and he needed training, he cocked his leg and pee'd all down her leg, over her shoe and all over the floor. Now, I know one should be aghast and apologetic at such things, but I just cracked up laughing - his timing was impeccable! What do they say about never working with animals or children?
Anyway, Tedward is now minus his bits, but himself still has his, so alls well that ends well.

How did this happen?

It's my 35th Wedding Anniversary today, well its himself's anniversary as well I suppose, but he hasnt suffered as much as me, so therefore I take precedence - me,me,me and me. But, anyway, the scary thing about this is - how the hell can I have been married for 35years when I think I am only about 36 years old??? I did go through a faze of saying I was 42 when I thought I had grown up a bit, but that didnt last for long. I just cant get me head around it at all.
Anyway, ever the romantic, himself says to me on Thursday upon my return from a week away -"you haven't made me a card or anything have you?". I raise my brows, he continues -"only I havent got you one, so if you have I need to know then I'll have to go and get one, but I'm picking my new car up on Saturday so I dont know when I'll have time".
It was at that point I struggled to remember why the hell I have stayed married to him. Just wish he'd asked me before I went away as it would have given me an excuse to spend even more money!
Anyway, I shouldn't complain as he has taken me out today - to the tip with a load of rubbish in his new car. He didnt like my suggestion that instead of throwing the bags in he should jump in with them. At times I struggle to comprehend how sick I must be to still love him, I really do.
We are going out to dinner though, so I feel it is my duty to order the most expensive dish and bottle of wine on the menu.

Anyway, enough of this idle chit chat and down to business. At the Brecon retreat last week Julie and I had an absolute ball. We met up with some really lovely people and laughed ourselves silly. Maybe some folks thought we were loud and silly - which we were - but I say if you cant have a laugh you may as well be dead and as long as you're not being hurtful or unkind it doesn't matter. I also say its not real life so it doesn't matter. Actually I say a lot of things and most of them are rubbish, but who cares.
Well, the upshot of this hilarity is that it has been decided I should run a course on Creative Crotch Clutching. As this is a complex subject it will have to be spread over 2 days with an exam at the end. Places are limited and I am sure it will be over subscribed so get your names down soon. There will be a follow up one day seminar on Bosom Rubbing which I expect will generate an equal amount of excitement.

Yesterday I went to Sams Manchester crop and had a great time as per usual. Over the six hour period I usually manage to cut at least 2 pieces of card and not much else. Those arent always straight either. However, yesterday I excelled myself and cut 15 pieces of card, stuck down 15 pics and at least 30 bits of patterned paper!! Think I'll have to see a doctor if this sort of pace continues.

The builders arrive tomorrow along with Ted my granddog, who is coming to stay for a couple of weeks. Tedward as I call him, is just like his owner, my son, an absolute character and I love him to bits. Last time he stayed he chewed up part of the floor and half a kitchen stool, so this time he has to go in his cage if he is not with me. If I remember, which I probably wont cos I dont really do memory. So, next time I update either himself or the dog may have departed my life....

Men and Motors

So himself has decided he NEEDS to change his car. Why do men have 'needs' but they relabel our needs 'wants'? This has come about cos he has rekindled his interest in shooting. I did point out that I thought that entailed using a rifle, but apparantly it is very important to be seen to be arriving for said shooting events in the RIGHT VEHICLE. He did also say that his particular type of car does not travel well over fields and streams, apparently another reason to NEED a 4 x 4 sort of vehicle. I am dreading the search for the replacement. Trying to show an interest I have said I could quite fancy a top of the range Range Rover sort of 4 x 4 vehicle. Not sure how far I got with that suggestion, the only comment was " are you mad woman?". However, never one to be daunted at the first hurdle I shall mention it again at a later date.

So now he is involved with things that go bang again I can get back to what I do best - source and buy huge quantities of scrapping stash. I am an expert at this as visitors to my craft room will freely testify. If Julie reads this she will burst a gasket as she thinks she has brainwashed me into submission, made me see sense,saved me from myself and all that good positive stuff,but a leopard cant change its spots and deep inside the real me is just waiting for a chance to be set free again!

Confused almost IT expert

I really havent got the hang of all this yet. The last post should have had todays date on but didnt and when I ask my computer screen questions it doesnt answer - think I shall rename it husband.
However, I am now almost certainly an IT expert as I have learnt how to send an email attachment today. This, to me, is almost the equivalent of gaining a First Class Honours Degree at University. No, not almost, it actually flippin well is the equivalent.
I can see it now, soon someone will ask me to do something on the computer other than switch it on and I will be able to do it..............

All or Nothing

So why is it that life is either so dull you need to breath onto a mirror to prove to yourself you are still alive , or so hectic theres no time to breath anyway?
My dh prefers that my life state is the latter as this gives me less time to interfere in his life - cos he prefers to jog quietly along whilst I tend to ramraid my way through life leaving trails of destruction in my wake.
When we go for a walk my mouth and feet work together in perfect harmony. As he has a birth defect (he was born male) and cannot multi task he can only do one or the other. The result of this is that I am often talking to myself as I power walk my way along the shore. So I double back to chivvy him along, he then starts to repeat his story about whatever bird or amazing snippet of natural history has excited him and because I am out to power walk and expect to be in the process of losing at least half a stone of excess body I am not impressed. A good suggestion would be that we dont walk together, but as we have almost completely opposite approaches to most things in life it might make more sense to just get a divorce!

Had a lovely day yesterday playing in my craftroom all day with Andrea. Oh the feeling of power that overwhelmed me when I realised I was in the company of a crafter marginally less able than myself!! Naturally I allowed this emotion to overwhelm me and enjoyed several hours of being king pin and asked for advice about all sorts of grown up important things like whether to use perga or double sided tape. I was really starting to believe I knew what I was talking about when my dream was shattered - a voice on the end of the phone asked if she could call for coffee.
This caused a situation which could only be described as total panic in my little room as Andrea and I quickly set about trying to look as if we were in control and, much more importantly, had actually produced a piece of work worthy of inspection by our head girl. The chaos was not helped by the fact we were giggling hysterically - caused by nervous excitement (fear) that we were soon to be judged and were sure we would be found lacking in several key areas, the main one being that we hadnt really achieved much at all, unless you count drinking several lattes,slurping bowls of soup, munching cheese scones and eating chunks of cake an achievement!! Anyway Julie and Helen duly arrived, drank coffee,inspected our work,then departed, and really must have given us the jolt we needed as we became very productive after that. I cut up several pieces of paper and Andrea finished 8 giftbags and a Layout!
She had also brought me a lovely present from her husband - a wooden drawer to put in the bottom of my AMM tote to keep it all upright and smart. I am very touched by this kindness as I have never even met her husband, but clearly he understands that I am a woman of the world as he has put it altogether with gold screw/tack thingys (this is a technical term), not just nails or everyday screws. He obviously shares my philosophy in life that a good screw should always be shiny.

Discipline

Myself that is, as in I must get my bum into gear and discipline myself to do oh at least a hundred things, all in the space of a day, the result of which will be that I look 20 years younger, have lost 5stone and have a beautiful impeccably well presented home.
My family will also have benefited from my discipline and be perfect examples of supreme offspringdom. My husband will start to arrange romantic candlelit dinners for us to enjoy together. He will also have learnt the art of conversation - ie I will learn to shut up for a minute in order to give him chance to speak.

So, thats the unattainable dream sorted then. The reality at the moment is that I dont have a kitchen sink or water as himself is in the middle of fitting new worktops etc.The lounge is full of boxes of pots,pans and dishes along with a dishwasher and a new fridge that has almost become a permanent fixture. As I trudge round with my bowl of pots and pans looking for water I tell myself it could be worse and I could live in a third world country and have to walk to the river to wash up everyday. Then I realise that in such a country I would not have been cooking 3 course meals in the mayhem anyway!
He is running the risk of becoming a refuge himself if I dont get a sink soon as he doesn't know that I know he is planning to go shooting tomorrow. If he doesn't get a move on with my water supply he may find he is one cartridge short in his box.....

Blogging

Now, I have a problem with all this malarkey here. When I asked my friend Julie what on earth I should find to write about on a blog she said "just ramble on like you do in real life".What do you mean - just ramble on- for years I've been under the impression she valued my input into certain situations and now she says I should just ramble on like I do in real life!!
This has done my fragile confidence no good whatsoever. I shall have to arrange therapy for myself at the very least - or even a stay at the Priory. Come to think of it, maybe I'm just what some of those self absorbed people at the Priory really need.........
Think when I've finished here I'll just wap a quick email off to them offering a course in how to remove your head from up your own backside before you suffocate. Think this could be quite informative for some of the inmates - I'll be in OK or Hello magazine before you can blink.

"Jools - therapist to the stars". Has a certain ring to it doesnt it?

Ramble on indeed.

Direction

I dont do direction. Full stop, simple as that, I just dont do direction. On foot or in a car - all the same to me, dont get it. Even on a train I have been known to get on one going the opposite way to my intended destination. It is a constant source of amazement to me that people know which direction to travel in to arrive where they want to be.
Not that I let this affliction limit me in any way - oh no, I just ask my husband to write out the directions in large letters on a piece of paper for me to follow. Return journey has to be written out as well cos I cant understand it in reverse. No good asking him for directions - that is an even bigger nightmare.
Scenario usually goes something like this:
me: How do I get to X
him: Take the M6 to Jwhatever. Stay in left hand lane, take second left. You'll see a pub on your right, think its called the dog and duck, seats outside, very pretty.
me: Yes, yes yes, so do I turn right here?
him: no, carry straight on and you'll come to a set of traffic lights. If you turn right there you go to X and straight on takes you to Y. Turn left.....
You get the picture, and this is how it goes on and on and on. Not that any of it matters cos I'm completely lost after the totally irrelevant pub or factory or shop or whatever else he has decided to throw into the mix to confuse me.

He is used to me phoning him at odd times of the day or night from sides of roads ( usually the wrong roads) demanding to know where I am and why I am in the wrong place. One of the most memorable was when, after a series of 3 roundabouts where I had to keep making choices - after travelling round them all at least twice, hyperventilating all the time before randomly choosing an exit I realised this could not possibly be the right road. So I phoned him at home 200 miles away and demanded to know where I was.
me: I'm lost, where am I?
him: what can you see?
me: a house and a field
him: no, I mean what did the last signpost say?
me: signpost???
him: What did the sign say?
me: I dont know I didnt see a signpost
him: You must have seen a signpost
me:(almost hysterical by this point) If I'd seen a sign post I wouldnt be lost would I (this is an arguable point actually) oh, you're no use at all, all I want to know is where I am. And I slammed the phone down.

I once took a friend for a quick 45minute circular walk in the New Forest near to my daughters home. 4 hours later she had to get us back using all sorts of clever things like where the sun was in the sky and which side of some power cables we were now etc etc. We werent actually dressed for a 5 hour march and we hadnt had lunch either......
She is still a friend, but oddly enough she always decides the route when we go for a walk now.

Mothers

"He's got an infernal comflux" says my mother. I have to think about this one for a minute - I'd thought we were talking about one of my brothers last time I was listening. "Right" I answer, playing for time. "Yes, he always thinks everyone is against him" Ah, so she means inferiority complex! My mothers interpretation of the English language causes the rest of the family a lot of confusion. She once said to me that my nephew couldn't learn to drive "with him being annalexic" "Anorexic?" I said "Well, I know I dont see him very often but when I do he always looks well enough and eats normally". So she says " does it affect their eating as well then? I thought it was just reading" So, now dyslexia is known in this family as annalexia - and he has learnt to drive now, so all you annalexics out there need not worry!
Travelling in a car with her giving directions is something you arguably have to be certified insane to do. "Follow that red car - oh he's going the wrong way" is one of her favourites. Now, my very calm stable husband never used to believe that she was as bad as I said. Used to blame me as I don't do direction or maps or stuff like that - so I let him drive with her to find her solicitors office, whilst I sat in the back. Wish I could have recorded the journey. "Turn left at the end of this road" I felt compelled to offer the information it was a one way street going the other way. "no its not, you go down there and we should come out on the road where the office is" To cut a nightmare of a journey short of course he couldnt go down the road. Her explanation for this was that they'd moved all the roads since she had last been. It just got worse and worse, but suffice to say he now believes me!
Talking about mixed up words - well, I know no one else is, but this just popped into my head - reminds me of the time I answere the phone to the voice on the other end saying "lassanger""Pardon?" I said to my agitated father in law. "You know, lassanger that stuff I bought the other day - what do I do with it?" "Dad, what are you talking about?" "That stuff, lassanger, how do I cook it?""Oh you mean lasagne" "Yes, that's what I said, lassanger, now how do I cook it?" From that day forward lasagne has been known as lassanger in this house!

Wonder if this will work

The mice have eaten all the wiring in the kitchen behind the units. Bit annoying really and very selfish of them seeing as they had taken a liking to Imperial Leather soap in the bathroom cupboard and eaten a bar of that already. Think it was the trap that did it, they realised I was on the case and found a way behind the walls or something (I dont do house geography) and decided to sabotage the wiring in the kitchen as a form of revenge. I was hoping they would at least have electrocuted themselves, but the electrician tells me this is a common problem in very old houses and he has never yet seen one where they eat the live red wire. I have asked him if we could experiment and chalk ink the red wire black to see if they would eat it before he comes next week to charge me the cost of a new house to replace about ten miles of wiring, but he thought I was joking.

Mmmm, Jools of Wisdom. Sounds very grand and grown up doesn't it? It's all Anita's fault of course. That's Anita Mundt, celebrity scrapbooker, lovely lady, celebrity scrapbooker, brilliant photographer (evidence at top of this blog - I dont look anything like that in real life),celebrity scrapbooker and oh, did I mention she is a celebrity scrapbooker??? You can tell that I dont allow things like being aquainted with celebs to go to my head - oh goodness me no. I mean a couple of weeks ago I was chatting to Tracy from the Artz Girls, Michele Charles and Tim Holtz to name just a few, but as I said to Emily - thats Emily Adams not Falconbridge,(saw her last year) oh, lost me thread now, forgot what I was going to tell you.

So, Anita thinks that it would be a good idea for me to have a blog. There are a few pretty major drawbacks to this though - not least of which is that I dont do techy. So she decided to set it all up for me and probably,when I press whichever button I find to press in a minute, the last half an hour of typing will disappear into cyber space never to be seen again.
Which is why on this, my very first entry, there are no points to ponder - I mean, after all, if you are never going to read it there doesnt seem any point in typing it does there?

photo

testing

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