Mothers

"He's got an infernal comflux" says my mother. I have to think about this one for a minute - I'd thought we were talking about one of my brothers last time I was listening. "Right" I answer, playing for time. "Yes, he always thinks everyone is against him" Ah, so she means inferiority complex! My mothers interpretation of the English language causes the rest of the family a lot of confusion. She once said to me that my nephew couldn't learn to drive "with him being annalexic" "Anorexic?" I said "Well, I know I dont see him very often but when I do he always looks well enough and eats normally". So she says " does it affect their eating as well then? I thought it was just reading" So, now dyslexia is known in this family as annalexia - and he has learnt to drive now, so all you annalexics out there need not worry!
Travelling in a car with her giving directions is something you arguably have to be certified insane to do. "Follow that red car - oh he's going the wrong way" is one of her favourites. Now, my very calm stable husband never used to believe that she was as bad as I said. Used to blame me as I don't do direction or maps or stuff like that - so I let him drive with her to find her solicitors office, whilst I sat in the back. Wish I could have recorded the journey. "Turn left at the end of this road" I felt compelled to offer the information it was a one way street going the other way. "no its not, you go down there and we should come out on the road where the office is" To cut a nightmare of a journey short of course he couldnt go down the road. Her explanation for this was that they'd moved all the roads since she had last been. It just got worse and worse, but suffice to say he now believes me!
Talking about mixed up words - well, I know no one else is, but this just popped into my head - reminds me of the time I answere the phone to the voice on the other end saying "lassanger""Pardon?" I said to my agitated father in law. "You know, lassanger that stuff I bought the other day - what do I do with it?" "Dad, what are you talking about?" "That stuff, lassanger, how do I cook it?""Oh you mean lasagne" "Yes, that's what I said, lassanger, now how do I cook it?" From that day forward lasagne has been known as lassanger in this house!