At Last

The builders, electrician and plasterers have departed the building - unless someone has locked themselves in, buried themselves under a new floor or is still on a chimney - one of the 3 new ones we have had to have - they are all gone as of 1.30 this afternoon!
So,thats 8 weeks and almost 80% increase in cost for a 3 week job then. Hey ho, thank heavens they never said it would take this long or they may have been here til Christmas!
Throughout this ordeal I have acted in an exemplary manner - well, exemplary for me at least. I have only threatened to kill one of them on any given day and I fully dispute the accusation that the big burly scaffolders who were 6 days late arriving with my tent for the sunroom and even later collecting it were all scared of me.
I have baked cakes on an almost daily basis for my builders, which is the reason the job has taken so long according to some sources!
So, tomorrow, in celebration of their departure, I am not going to be showered and dressed ready for their 8am arrival. I am going to stay in my jimmies until 9 am, just for the hell of it.
I have spent the afternoon trying to find furniture under the layers of plaster dust and tomorrow I hope to find all my scrapping stuff in the craft room.
Himself has been rather irate because I had carefully covered everything in said craft room in dust sheets and not bothered to put one over the tv. As I explained to him, I dont watch tv.
"Well I do" he replies - so why didnt he cover it up then?
I have asked them all not to rush with their bills as I may have to sell my body to pay them and believe me, as anyone who has seen said body will tell you, its not worth much. Probably get more for scientific research than I would for prostitution.

New Business Venture

Apparently there is a town in Italy - name of Pavlova or something like that - I dont do geography - where men who are trying to pick up a prostitute in the red light district are being given fines for obstructing the road. So, in an effort to keep business brisk and not lose customers the girls are offering to pay the fines for any customers who are booked. Bear with me, this is absolutely true and leading to the point of this rambling.
Whilst telling some friends about this strange occurence we mused about the different ways this could be overcome and hit upon the idea of a 'ring and ride' service. So far we have only worked out the overall concept, most details are pretty hazy and still very much in the planning stage. It will be a while before I can present my business plan to the bank manager for the funds to purchase a fleet of motorised scooters for my team of girls to scoot up and down the road with lassoo's, but I am confident I am on to a winner with this idea.
I'll keep working on the finer details - maybe I could offer it as a franchise opportunity?

Builders

Well I think they are trying to bankrupt me or worse still give me a bill so huge I have to consider going back to work. Not actually go you understand - just consider it. Even that causes me to have hot flushes followed by the need to go and lie in a darkened room for several hours.

So I will try and find an alternative. So far I have suggested to himself that if we cut out a couple of dinners a week and the odd breakfast and lunch we could save a considerable amount of money, not to mention the health benefits which may/may not be a side effect of this move.
He's not too keen on that idea, so its back to the drawing board.

We have the most amazing scaffolding and tarpaulin tent thing where the sunlounge used to be which is on top of the only decent modernised room in the house. Since it was put up and the sunlounge totally demolished - including the floor - dont ask - we have had at least 8 nights of gales and driving rain! As we live on the coastline the winds dont mess about here, oh no, gales mean gales not a strong wind or the odd gust or two. So we are seriously sleep deprived as well as almost penniless.
As I look after the builders who are systematically wrecking my abode very well by baking cakes for them and providing lots of brews, I have told them if they continue to find major problems I shall be forced into having to sell my body to pay their bill. One of them, who may well yet end up under the new floor when it is laid, said I might make more money selling my cakes, so I have decided that when they give me their final heartstopping bill I shall present them with mine. I consider £30 per man per day for tea and cakes to be a reasonable charge and as they have already been here 3 weeks and look set to be around for at least another 3 weeks I may make enough to pay them for a few of the slates on one of the rooves that had to be completely redone. Thats one of the rooves himself had said only needed a tile or two replacing.....

Book Club

I am also a Founder Member of a bookclub. This one I can credit to myself - T.W.A.T. was named by Andrea who it seems would like to distance herself from the team now people are clamouring to become a TWAT.
Bookclub evolved after a couple of hugely enjoyable evenings with some girlfriends. The main criteria for membership is that you are female, enjoy having a laugh and dont take offence easily at anything.
In short, bookclub is where we all get together for a bite to eat at someones house and get trollied.
We neither read nor discuss books of any kind - what a total waste of good drinking,eating and laughing time that would be. But to the men in our lives 'bookclub' means they are available for lifts or babysitting or ELSE.
Someone wishes to murder their in laws/kids/husband? Arrange a bookclub meeting.
The washing machine has flooded? Arrange a bookclub meeting.
Its too hot? Arrange a bookclub meeting.
Its too cold/raining? Arrange.... you get the picture.
Obviously, due to the enormous scope for meeting the criteria to arrange a gathering the local wine sellers do very well.
So you see, its always a win win situation.

Top Womens Alternative Team

Yes - it's official - I am a member!! Sometimes I feel I have been a T.W.A.T. all my life, then I remember I have only been sticking bits of paper for a couple of years so I cant have been. My friend Andrea had the idea of forming this exclusive team and 3 Founder members held the first meeting yesterday in my craftroom. We then continued our deliberations on the beach whilst enjoying the amazing sunshine. It was also a way to escape the builders who are systematically demolishing bits of my home and most of my bank account.

Anyway, I digress, as T.W.A.T.'s we are a bit out on a limb - well, I suppose I should say exclusive really, as that always sounds more important and will make more people want to join our team, but I think we have more or less decided there will only be a maximum of 10 T.W.A.T.s at a time.
So there we are then, I will keep myself informed on here if we as a team achieve anything of note.

Two for One

Well, everyone offers that now dont they? BOGOFS I mean. So when I got the delightful job of taking the granddog to the vets to get his nuts chopped off I asked her if she could do himselfs at the same time only for free. She declined the invitation, must have been pressure of work. Instead, as she was explaining to me that castrationwould not stop Ted running off and he needed training, he cocked his leg and pee'd all down her leg, over her shoe and all over the floor. Now, I know one should be aghast and apologetic at such things, but I just cracked up laughing - his timing was impeccable! What do they say about never working with animals or children?
Anyway, Tedward is now minus his bits, but himself still has his, so alls well that ends well.

How did this happen?

It's my 35th Wedding Anniversary today, well its himself's anniversary as well I suppose, but he hasnt suffered as much as me, so therefore I take precedence - me,me,me and me. But, anyway, the scary thing about this is - how the hell can I have been married for 35years when I think I am only about 36 years old??? I did go through a faze of saying I was 42 when I thought I had grown up a bit, but that didnt last for long. I just cant get me head around it at all.
Anyway, ever the romantic, himself says to me on Thursday upon my return from a week away -"you haven't made me a card or anything have you?". I raise my brows, he continues -"only I havent got you one, so if you have I need to know then I'll have to go and get one, but I'm picking my new car up on Saturday so I dont know when I'll have time".
It was at that point I struggled to remember why the hell I have stayed married to him. Just wish he'd asked me before I went away as it would have given me an excuse to spend even more money!
Anyway, I shouldn't complain as he has taken me out today - to the tip with a load of rubbish in his new car. He didnt like my suggestion that instead of throwing the bags in he should jump in with them. At times I struggle to comprehend how sick I must be to still love him, I really do.
We are going out to dinner though, so I feel it is my duty to order the most expensive dish and bottle of wine on the menu.

Anyway, enough of this idle chit chat and down to business. At the Brecon retreat last week Julie and I had an absolute ball. We met up with some really lovely people and laughed ourselves silly. Maybe some folks thought we were loud and silly - which we were - but I say if you cant have a laugh you may as well be dead and as long as you're not being hurtful or unkind it doesn't matter. I also say its not real life so it doesn't matter. Actually I say a lot of things and most of them are rubbish, but who cares.
Well, the upshot of this hilarity is that it has been decided I should run a course on Creative Crotch Clutching. As this is a complex subject it will have to be spread over 2 days with an exam at the end. Places are limited and I am sure it will be over subscribed so get your names down soon. There will be a follow up one day seminar on Bosom Rubbing which I expect will generate an equal amount of excitement.

Yesterday I went to Sams Manchester crop and had a great time as per usual. Over the six hour period I usually manage to cut at least 2 pieces of card and not much else. Those arent always straight either. However, yesterday I excelled myself and cut 15 pieces of card, stuck down 15 pics and at least 30 bits of patterned paper!! Think I'll have to see a doctor if this sort of pace continues.

The builders arrive tomorrow along with Ted my granddog, who is coming to stay for a couple of weeks. Tedward as I call him, is just like his owner, my son, an absolute character and I love him to bits. Last time he stayed he chewed up part of the floor and half a kitchen stool, so this time he has to go in his cage if he is not with me. If I remember, which I probably wont cos I dont really do memory. So, next time I update either himself or the dog may have departed my life....